UGHHHHHH

I've been so stressed lately.

I think it's because I have so many huge decisions to make in the next month, yes, I said month. I have one measly month to probably make the biggest decision of my life so far. Even when I'm thinking about other stuff, it makes that stuff more stressful. I'm beginning to think it's because I don't have any direction. I don't even have more people saying to do one thing more than another. I wish I had an answer, guess I just have to have faith that I will know what to do when it comes down to it. Each way I could go is so much work, the only thing I do know is I will not take the easy way out and continue doing what I'm doing. I finally have so much opportunity; none of which are wrong. Makes this 5,000 times harder to make a decision. 

EEEEEKKKKK 

Why am I writing this down? I've never considered myself a writer, in fact I hate to read. I rarely read anybody else's blogs, but for some reason, these blogposts, by the time I'm done writing about my issues, answer themselves. It has happened to me so many times. On paper it must make sense. My mind just must be so crazy all the time. Definitely indecisive. At least when it comes to this kind of stuff. I do know which choice will not risk anything, and is very sure, but it doesn't necessarily promise to be the most rewarding. 

Shit. 

Again, debating. 

On paper now, or I guess virtual paper. 

What to do.... I think I will just be prepared for all options as best as I can, then make a choice last minute, and promise myself no 

"what if's"

My sister posted this quote yesterday, and it's completely applicable. 

"It's a terrible thing. I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almsot no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking now is as good a time as any." -Hugh Laurie

How true is that? 

Guess I seriously just answered my question. I

 will never be 

"READY" 

or really know which answer is gonna be the best one when I can't see the future. I will just live my life. I will make a decision, and whatever that is, I will decide it's the right one, and it will be. 

THANKS MIKAYLA

WEDDING SINGERS

Okay so most people who will read this, already knew I was singing in a wedding this past weekend. It actually went surprisingly well! I think so anyway. For having no idea what we we're doing, I think we did great ha.

My wonderful cousin Dane totally got sucked into way more than I think he bargained for, and he will never know how grateful we really are for what he did. We literally gave him a list of songs, and he learned all in less than two weeks. He was so awesome, and great at making us laugh while doing it. I think he almost made it easier for us to overcome our fear of performing because he was absolutely confident in his own abilities, and it rubbed off on us. 

SO THANK YOU SO MUCH DANE!! 

I almost feel like this might actually might be a turning point in our own lives. It kind of showed us that we can do it. I was surprisingly comfortable singing in front of a lot of people. I LOVED IT! I feel like I actually could get good at it, and let me tell you, NOTHING makes me more happy. Everyone knows I've always wanted to sing. It also has shown me that there are other people with talents, that would love to do the same, and I'm hoping I run into some and that we might be able to actually take this somewhere!! I WOULD DIE!! Ha, crossing my fingers. I just have a couple pictures to post, and this is sort of a boring post, mostly just to document this event. I am sooooo grateful for the talents god has given me, and it's about time I start sharing them. Makes me feel so good about myself, and I guess that's what I'm supposed to be doing with my life:) Also I am seriously starting to consider moving to Australia again at the end of the summer, given that I'm not dating someone, or have anything tying me down here when that time rolls around:)

OH AND HUGE CONGRATULATIONS TO JENTRI JEAN DEAN ON TYING THE KNOT!!!

JENTRI AND ROB

Love you to death, and so proud of who you are and who you have become! Best of luck to the new bride and groom!!

BEAUTY

Why am I where I am right now?

I ask myself this all the time.

I didn't really know the answer until now 

I'm here to relate

I'm here to understand

I am here to help

Console

Lift

and Teach

I'm good at these things

Always have been

Maybe that's why I get lazy

Because it's always been so easy

I AM A VERY BLESSED INDIVIDUAL

I was given many talents, most of which I don't share

It makes me so MAD

I have become what other people want me to be

And I never used to be that way

I'm done though

Making bad choices has taught me a lot

But I thought it would make me more independent

IT HAS DONE THE OPPOSITE

I'm more like everyone else than I ever have been

TIME TO BE ME ONCE AGAIN

BE 

DO

SAY

ME

To anyone that has ever wondered what it's like to be someone else, stop. Be you. 

Love you. 

Respect you. 

Confidence is beauty.

And you are Beautiful

You are something that can never be repeated

Something no one else can be

It's time to stop living your life by what others think is right, or pretty, or smart. I know there are plenty of people out there that will read this and say, that's not for me, she doesn't understand. I was there too, for a long time. Seems as though I'm right back there too, so I definitely understand. I have always let doubt keep me down. I've definitely looked at the glass half empty. I've definitely thought I wasn't pretty. It's all in your head though. Who really defines what pretty is?

Worldly beauty is generic beauty. 

What's so special about looking like everyone else? 

Nothing

So let's redefine beauty

Or even better...

Let's not let beauty be defined. 

We are beauty

Love is beauty

Peace is beauty

"The eyes of others our prisons; their thoughts our cages" -Virginia Woolf

NO MORE

What the world needs now

LOVE SWEET LOVE 

I have had this song stuck in my head for about a week now. I don't know what's gotten into me. I just love love, and I don't mean being in love with someone, I just am in love with everything. I actually have a good attitude lately ha. I have been somewhat of a BEEZY lately, cut me some slack though. It's been a long two months. So much has happened. So much a lot of people will never even know about. All I know is my life is perfect, or is going to be, all because I've decided it's going to be. No more making excuses, no more wanting to come home and go to sleep because I just don't want to deal with anything. I've made goals! A LOT OF GOALS. I have them posted all over my room, (which I just cleaned; Goal#1) ha. I have been thinking so much! Yes thinking seriously exhausts me, but it has also woke me up. Woke me up to my life! To this life I'm leading. I am in charge of it! No matter what anyone says, or what anyone does, I control what happens! I am the main character in this movie (Thank you Holiday:) No more sitting around waiting for things to happen. All day long  I was debating whether to add another class during the summer, or drop the one I have, because I will be POOR all summer if I add, then I thought to myself... what are you going to do with that money if you don't... EAT IT. Yes! Or drink it. Damn DIET COKE. Which one will take me further? Duh, no brainer. Procrastination is my worst enemy! Always has been, I wish I was one of those self disciplined freaks, but nope, I even have this system where I have my scrubs in my car so that I literally only have to wake up 5 minutes before I go to work and get dressed there! It's humiliating! I look like hell every day! Sorry about all the swearing! I am screaming in my mind right now! Also the whole talent thing, which I've touched on multiple times... yeah still haven't done it! Holy crap! There are only two things I have ever wanted to do in life; Sing, and build assisted living homes. How close am I to either?? Uhhh not at all!! Seriously somebody slap me, I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think I just want my sister's to do it with me, or someone to hold my hand, but that isn't how anyone got to where they are! It's the one's that never tell themselves they can't, or they will later! Seriously, I know this, why don't I act on it?? Well that ends today! This seriously is a turning point in my life. I'm reading the secret ten times over, I'm gonna read Steve Jobs book, whatever it takes to finally be motivated. Let me tell you, today I wanted to go to sleep when I got home more than I ever have, but I didn't:) I seriously feel so great too. Maybe I will get tired earlier and go to sleep at a reasonable time and start making better choices. I just know that my entire life is changing today. It is. It is because I have made up my mind that that's how I want it. New Danyel in T minus 4,3,2,1.... 

THEE ANSWER

The answer

Leave it alone

If you seek it

It transforms

Molds

Conforms

But that's not what I want

I want IT

I want it to reveal itself to me

I don't want it to change

I don't want to seek it

Don't make me seek it

Let it be

No rushing time

You can't get it back

There are other things to do

What's the hurry?

You have ALL the time

Infinite

Not just this life

For life is ETERNAL

So don't hurry anything

Take a look around

Smile

Serve

Enjoy

Create

Love

For once you've found yourself

The answer 

In it's true form

Was there the whole time

Sometimes I have to write things down to answer my own questions, this was one of those times. You know, who cares what other people think, who cares if someone says you can't do something, or aren't pretty enough, or smart enough! What do they freaking know?? They know their own insecurities, and they will continue to have them until they figure this out for themselves. Their own answer is inside of them, until they know themselves, nobody else will respect them. Don't let someone else get you down, and don't tear anyone else down! Love yourself! It's a vicious cycle. Can't forget who you are. I never want to be any one but me! I love me:) I love my pep talks with myself ha 

ANY WAY, (apparently that is not a grammatically correct saying)

 Goodnight:) 

Blah blah blah

Okay, so I just wrote a whole blogpost and felt like I got too specific and if certain people read it, they would know it was about them, so I erased it ha. 

Basically it came down to this... 

Be mature people. 

Maturity is not boring. 

I doubt Steve Jobs life was immature, and not boring. 

Eff drugs

Don't settle

Don't start fights. 

Make peace, not war. 

Contention is of the devil. 

Instead of pissing someone off, kill them with kindness... I promise it works;)

Stupid blogpost I know... almost a waste, but it's what I needed. 

To get some things off my mind. 

Now this week will be amazing. 

Wiz, Hella Jazz game, Kony, and another three day weekend... a warm one:) 

ANNNYYYYWAAYYYYS, Night all. 

I will post something tomorrow that actually makes sense and is more thought out. 

Maybe

Weighing thoughts

A LOT has been on my mind.

A LOT! 

I think more than ever has been before.

 I feel like once I start this blogpost, I will never stop. 

I'm crazy right now. 

I don't even know what I'm thinking VS. what I'm feeling. 

I can't tell if these sickening anxious feelings are action induced, or just wayyyy too much diet coke all the time. Guess I'll never know until I quit... so long diet coke. 

I'm still here, I still feel.

I feel a lot, so much in fact that sometimes I want to curl up into a ball pretty much anywhere and go to sleep because it's the only time I'm numb to it all. I wouldn't say I'm depressed, I don't think negatively at all, I just am scared I guess? I don't really know how to define what I'm feeling. 

This probably isn't very informative to most, and I want it to be vague. It's not meant to be understood by all. It's actually very private, but a way I can maybe put it in words, and feel some sort of peace

Day 1:

I'm great, so many ideas, extremely positive, and ready to take on the world

Day 2:

Figuring out how I'm going to accomplish all the things that have been running through my mind, no one can bring me down, I'm still on top of the world.

Day 3: 

Things remind me. Kind of stop me in my tracks. Take me back a little bit.

Day 4: 

Everything reminds me. No thinking of anything else. Full focus of my mind, my soul, my energy.

Day 5:

Numb. Deaf. Blind. Non-existent 

Day 6: 

Notice the sun, notice the people, notice the care, the smiles, the warmth

Day 7:

Remember God, remember Heavenly father, remember that filter 'of everything happens for a reason', and remember I have plenty to smile about:)

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS PEOPLE

Life isn't so bad. God is the most powerful filter there is. 

God has three answers to your prayers: 

1. Yes

2. Not yet

3. I have something better in mind

Seriously god is always there, he is ALWAYS there to pick you up, I feel so ashamed that I forget this every time until I need something. I've had one really good year where I made him the focus of my life, and nothing has EVER compared. There was a constant understanding that there was a plan for me. That I am here for a reason. I am a daughter of god, and I need to share that with people. Our entire existence is only so we can return to him. 

I will someday, and I plan to make him proud. 

PS: when I started this blog post I had no intentions of it going in the direction it just did, but I am extremely happy about it. I actually had a whole lot of stuff to complain about, and now I don't:) Blessings in disguise! 

Also, Ashli and I have recorded a video. We look weird, but it's another step in the right direction:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH6IUkCw6BM